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I wish I had a best friend I could tell all my troubles to. someone who knows me inside and out almost better than I know myself. someone who I could hang out with whenever, and would go see movies with me and go to the mall with me go to each other's house with. someone who I could sit outside with on a clear, warm summer night and talk with, and just talk and talk, untill the sun comes up, and then we'd go inside and eat soup. someone to go out and flirt with guys with, and run away from creepy people with. someone who wouldn't drop me for the next fly that came along.

yea.
I wish I had a best friend.
or maybe some closer ones.

I almost got into a car crash the other day. didn't though.

I just wanna curl up in a ball and disappear.

gah. I've been wanting to update so badly the past couple weeks, but since my mom installed aol guardian, I'm afraid it'll show up on there, but oh well.

we open in one week with walkin' home, and it's going pretty good. the everyday rehearsals are stressing me out because I get to see my mom maybe 10 minutes ar most when she's rushing out the door for work during the week. it totally sucks.

semester 2 schedule-
french 2-holcombe
science-gogala
history-jeffers
english-haaishemeniwhatshername-B lunch
foods-tam or tim or something like that
algebra 1-ribnick

I'm so friggen tired of feeling suicidal and depressed so much of the time.
I didn't get to go to the lock in tonight because of being grounded. holy crap I wanted to go so bad. one of the rare chances I'm invited along to do stuff with friends, to get out, to be with people outside of school, to have fun, watch movies, stay up all night, and I can't go.

and on top of that I'm limited to 2 hours a day on aol!

just. gah. I feel so alone. like I have no one to talk to. no one who actually cares or gives a shit. no one to hear me out. I feel so cold inside.
again leme say

I feel so alone.

holy fuck I wish I was dead
mom says to wait till spring when it'll be easier to bury me

rofl. awesomeness.

eh. you little buggers. I know this doesn't exactly fit in with the mood/tone I've set for the past few days. but work with me here it's late :P
(written by someone else of course)

Birthday Surprise

I stand silently in the shadows, my anger, and my desires burning from deep within. A friend of mine has procured someone he felt certain would satisfy my sadistic side, and who had agreed to be bound and delivered to someone she knew not, solely on the word of another. I did not expect Maric to come through on his boast, but nor had I blinked when he showed up with this beauteous bundle, trussed up as I would have any who submits to me done. The Black masque had a faintly feline shape, and no eyeholes, giving me and this slave complete anonymity with each other. As she knelt, I walked around her, grabbing the long brown braid, pulling her head back, smiling when the slut does nothing, except the softest of moans. I yank her to her feet, and she remains still, head bowed as she stands. “Raise your head, you are blinded anyway.” I bark, causing the slave to start and silently acquiesce. Silence, one thing I truly treasure, and which my friend also ensured by placing a ball gag in her mouth. Yes, Maric knows my tastes, having sent his last Sub to me for training for a short time. “You have been given to me as a Birthday present, did you know that slut? Do you have any comprehension of what that means for you tonight?” She shook her head a little, and I chuckled. “Of course not….what it means is I will have no mercy on you, my little toy. I will not hold back, I will not hesitate to use you fully. However, you also have nothing truly to fear; I will not damage you beyond a few days healing, or leave you hindered in your mundane life.”
At this she relaxed a little, her posture slacking until the sharp crack of my hand upon her red latex skirt jerked her forward. “Unless it is in response to my ministrations, you are not to move, or make a sound. Usually I would not even allow that, but I do enjoy seeing a pretty submissive jerk at my bite, or my whips caress.” I command, seeing her breath in and out in a manner that strains the crimson top she is wearing. “I do hope those clothes weren't expensive.” I say as I unsheathe my dagger and with two matching slices remove both skirt, and strapless top, leaving no mark except twin red lines down her sides, raised but not cut. Her posture shifts subtly, her freed breasts jutting out, her nipples pointing out, already hard and ready for my next action. Even with the gag, and mask, I can hear her gasp as I place the clamps upon each nipple, and tug on them sharply. She tilts her head back, and then bows it, letting the sensations flow as I connect the clamps to a small chain. My leather gloved hands caress her body, delving around her folds, but not entering, except to rub her clit. I pressed myself against her, my left arm snaking around her waist to pull her against me as I bite down on her neck. Perfect, her moan and the increased dampness found by my right hand as it caresses, and tweaks her folds and her clit, causing her to jump in pain. I grab her by the hair, noticing the golden tone as I pull her to being bent over, and grab my riding crop from the wall. Not knowing this one's limits, I settle for twenty lashes, each one harder then the one before. At the last one I remove the ball hag and lower part of the mask, seeking her response. “Do you like what I am doing to you?” Do you want more?” “Oh, fuck….Yes! Please do more!” “I was going to anyway.” I said, seeing her shiver at my cold tone. She yelps when I attack her breasts a few times, but what words she can say encourages me on. For about a half hour I assault this slut's breasts and ass, with my riding crop, and with my hand. Pausing at times I caress her and stroke her, and twice while playing with her she orgasms, something I was not expecting. After the last one, as she leans melted against me, I knock her down, seeing her tense up, then relax and open her legs. I smile darkly, and yank her hair. “On all fours, slut. I'm taking you like this.” At that something seemed to resonate with her, and she eagerly did so, whimpering. I then proceeded to crack her ass with the riding crop a few more times, before suddenly impaling my full length into her. She screeched as if torn, but then starting sliding herself up and down me, until my hand on her hair made her stop, as I proceeded to ram her pussy until after she orgasms again,this time from the sheer force and intensity of the sensations. Pulling out of her, I realized I had not taken out my full aggression on her, and was wondering why. Kneeling beside her, I brushed aside her braid, and found her curling up in my lap, in a position and pose that finally made something click. “I am sorry, but I can not cuddle with you….I would want too much to gaze beyond that mask, and I promised I would not.” “But Maric said it was your wish, so you could be ruthless….but I felt something else in your touch. Who are you?” She whispers. “Maybe maric had a reason to hide this from each other. I will ask him, but I doubt he would answer. He is not your Master?” I ask, wondering if I could be wrong. “I have no Master yet,” she says, snuggling up beside me, weary as I am, and her hands find the sore places none can find, and knead them out, her lips softly and gently touching my neck. I wonder how someone so sweet and so eager to please can not have been Claimed already and unexpectedly, I who trust no one, trust this one to the point that I fall asleep.

I awoke in my own chambers, lovingly tucked in, and a rose and note by my bed. “Happy Birthday. I am glad to be of service, but suggest that you not ask Maric who I am. I hope one day we can meet like that again though. If you wish me, just ask Maric to let Kitten know.

Your Kitten.”



The next week, as I met with a group of my friends I did not see as much, I was asked by my friend Ryan why I was smiling so much. “It's a long story.” I told him. “Oh? You look like you met someone actually. Did you find a new playmate?” asked the giggling voice of Catherine. “Actually…She may have found me.” I replied. “Oh? Not trussed up and packaged for your birthday, hmm?” came a familiar voice as she walked up behind me, and slid into the seat next to me. I coughed slightly and shrugged. “Now what would the odds of that happening be?” I retorted. “Oh about the odds of me being a masochist in secret.” Was the reply, to which a few which knew her kind of blinked as her tastes for such are well known, then she laughed and brought out a small box. “Happy Birthday, I thought you might like this. Open it later.” I nodded silently as she steered the conversation away to safer topics.

I waited to open it, going home and sipping a white wine before opening the box. Inside was a Ring, and the Ring simply said Master. The Next time I asked for Kitten, guess who was wearing the other. That night, and the rest of the story is for another night. But it was admittedly not the conventional way such things start, but for us, it works quite well.

I feel so alone. like there's nobody out ther who I can talk to, no one who will listen, no one who will care what I have to say. I feel like another man/boy will never love me again as much as Brent did. it's a very anguishing feeling.





I feel so alone.

garg
I'm feeling suicidal and sad and I'm missing what I had
I was reading over the conversation I had with Brent when I asked him out
god we were so happy
]':
memories like that make me cry
and! my mom and I can't go shopping today to get ingredients for pasta salad, which I despretly wanted to make.
god damn it.

x_x